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The Nedar Campaign - Chapter 1
(With apologies all round...NOT!)

List of combatants

The Loin & Groin: Supreme Commander (Don't mess with dem Loins)
Qwik the Dick: HQ Staff & Admin Officer
Rev. Mack: Spiritual Advisor and Morale Officer
Pair of Titties: Comfort Officer and Supplies
WhoMan?: Fencing & Postmaster
L0f7ty Foo7 WhoMans?: Sidekick and troubleshooter
Chits Ahoy: Chopper pilot and general airhead
Neo Nazi Blitzkrieg: Specialist & other Offensive deeds
Whacking Stew: War Correspondent & Wise guy

And other assorted dipsticks...


Mission One - The Truth is out there

-Destroy all government issued equipment and blame Eastwood Studios
-Don't spend all the petty cash; we need it for the next mission
-Trust no one, especially Yuri. He likes to confuse everybody
-Pizzas will be supplied by: The Loin & Groin to the survivors
-Like I said, trust no one



Battlefield online:

"Get your skinny butts in those tanks and …and…and" ..Neo Nazi was stuck for the right words.

Rev. Mack, as usual came to his rescue. "Its in the pad you dumb bum"

"What flaming pad are you talking about, Rev?" cried Neo Nazi

The Rev. Mack raised his eyes to the heavens and sighed, "WORDPAD", "How many times have I told you lot? It's our Bible, so never forget it".

Neo hastily downloads Macrohards latest version and with unbelievable luck, finds it after thirty minutes. "Go" cries a jubilant Neo. This was the word he couldn't think of before.

WhoMan and Lof7yfoo7 got in their battered Grizzly tanks and stowed their gear in the lockers. (A list of the gear is available on payment of one hundred Euro Dollars.)

WhoMan asked Lof7y for the keys to the ignition, and that was the start of all our troubles.

Lof7y: " What bleeding keys?"

WhoMan: "the ones we need to start this heap of junk of course"

Lof7y: "Never seen any keys before, what do they look like?"

WhoMan: "Don't ask me, I only work here"

Once again, the Rev. Mack had to step in and sort things out.
"It's on the CD case you pair of bananas"; "Don't you EVER read the instruction manuals?"

WhoMan: "Listen you silly old bugger, how can I read the manuals without the code?"

Rev. Mack: "Now what code are you talking about? All you need is the key"

MooMan & Lof7ty together: "THE IMG CODE of course, now who's the one who can't read?" And with some diabolical laughter they finally got their act together and started up the engines.

The Rev. Mack waddles over to Chits Ahoy, our intrepid chopper pilot, and asked if he was ready to go on the mission.

"Well, I am and I'm not or maybe I'm …………what was the question again?" said Chits Ahoy.

By this time the Rev. was on the verge of complete insanity, as apposed to partial madness.

"Well what are you waiting for? An invitation to Yuri's Lobotomy Fun day?"

Chits was spluttering and dribbling by now, (Eating Oreos and drinking Aviation fuel is not good for you). "Look Rev. I'm waiting for that evil bastard Whacking Stew, to get here, but he found out where Tanya takes her showers"

"OMG", "if Tanya catches the Stew perving on her, she will get her C4 and give him what for", cried the Rev.

Just then, Whacking Stew and Pair of Titties came strolling up with big smirks on their faces and said, "Are you two lay abouts ready yet?"

"Where the heck have you pair of low lifes been?' cried Rev.

"Hehe, we've been watching Da Loin play with his kitties"
said P. 

"Will EVERYONE PLEASE STFU," yelled Qwik the Dick, "Get out of my sight now".

So without further ado, the Rev. Mack, Whacking Stew and Pair of Titties got into the whirlybird, and Chits Ahoy got the show on the road at last.


15 minutes later

"Hey", yelled Chits, "Is that a camel down there?"

Whacking Stew looks out the window of the chopper, and with a voice dripping with acid said, "Chits, we are flying five feet off the ground, it's a bloody ant you flaming drongo"

"Sheeet!" cried Chits, "I thought these instruments were a bit dodgy, I thought we were five thousand feet up"

Pair of Titties was rubbing his hands and said, "Can we bomb it anyway, just in case it's a Camel?"

Everybody thought this was a great idea, but as usual, the supply officer had spent all the money on pizzas for Da Loin and his harem. So no bombs were on board.

The Rev. Mack said we should all keep a lookout for our intrepid ground forces.

The rest of us had blank looks on our faces; we never knew we had any ground forces, let alone intrepid types.

"WhoMan & Lof7y, they are our spearhead against Yuri and his hordes," said that long-suffering spiritual advisor, Rev. Mack.

"OH" we cried in unison, "Them!"

As no sign of Yuri, or our intrepid forces had been sighted, we started to return to base.
Anyway, we had to because the Rev. had evening service to attend to.


Meanwhile in the desert...

The two battered old grizzlies, the tanks, not the drivers, were completely lost and a beautiful friendship was on the line.

It seems that the Radar installation was run over and completely destroyed, leaving our little band of warriors in the dark. This state of affairs normally would not bother them because it is their natural habitat. But something was very wrong this time.

"Where the blazes are we?" cried WhoMan?"

"I thought you were the leader of the gang," retorted Lof7yfoo7

"If you hadn't run into that radar and smashed it to pieces, we would be able to see you stupid spammer you" growled MooMan

Lof7yfoo7 was incensed by this and retorted, "And if you hadn't knocked all the fences down I would not have gone into the compound, so there"

"Who cares about fences?" replied MooMan, "I've got heaps of posts to replace them, and more to spare"

They drove on, but unknown to our little heroes; it was in ever decreasing circles.

"Hey Who", said Lof7y, "Did you see that funny looking bald geezer with the big fish eyes when we hit the radar?"

"Yea, I did, and I keep getting this warm fuzzy feeling inside thinking about him" MooMan replied

Lof7y gave Moo a look, but confessed he too had a strange feeling thinking of that poor lonely man.

A little while later, it was completely dark and the boys had gone into such tight circles, that they had disappeared up their Khyber Pass.

They were even more confused than Ronald Reagan at a kindergarten, and got out of the tanks to see if they could discover where they were.

Holding hands so they would not get separated (why else?), they stumbled about for ages until suddenly they came across a big signboard.

By using a lighter they could see the writing in big pink colours. It said…


YOU ARE NOW IN THE WHO TRICKS!

"Oh crap" sobbed MooMan, "We will never get out of here, what are we going to do now?"

"Dunno, but I know I'm hungry as bear after winter." Lof7y said, rubbing his stomach.
"Have you got anything to eat on you, or in the tank?"

"You are always thinking of your stomach you greedy little sod," said WhoMan

"Yea, but at least I haven't got two stomachs like you fatso," retorted Lof7y

"Wait, I just thought of a great idea" said Who Man, "Lets try the radio in the tanks to see if we can raise the chopper "

They both got back to the tanks and after a few minutes they finally raised the chopper on the radio.


"Chopper One this WhoMan calling Chopper one"

Whacking Stew was feeling pretty bored so he answered the call

"This is Chopper One, who is this calling?'

"Chopper One this is WhoMan calling"

"Who man?" asked Whacking Stew

"Yes man, it's me"

"Which is it?" "Who Man or Yes Man, make up your bloody mind" 

"I'll bloody kill you Whacker if you don't stop pissing me about" cried WhoMan

"Okey, just having a bit of fun, what can I do for you today sonny?"
asked Wracking Stew

So WhoMan told him every thing that had happened since leaving camp and about the strange place he was in.

"No wucking furries " said Whacking Stew, "I know what to do, leave it to us men here"

"Please don't be too long mate, because Lof7y will go feral soon if we don't eat" urged WhoMan

"We will be there in ten minutes," answered Whacking Stew. And with that he signed off.


One hour later....

The chopper came in fast and low and just missed taking Lof7y's head off.
It came in fast because Chits Ahoy was busting to go to the bathroom, and it came in low because he still didn't know how to make it fly any higher.

When Chits had drowned half the desert, and Lof7y had stuffed his face with everything edible in sight, WhoMan asked how Whacking Crew found them and what the problem was.

"Weeeelll, you see, when you have lived as long as me, and you have experienced life to the full, many things became second nature to you. I remember back in sixty four, when I…………"

"Shut up you silly old fart, and let me tell him quickly so we can all get back to base." Spoke Rev.Mack

"Oh no you don't" said Pair of Titties, "I'm in charge, so it's my job to explain plans and strategies to the young ones" "Now listen up the pair of you, when we got your message, we decided that all your problems stemmed from your encounter with that strange man with the beady eyes. So we flew to where the radar USED to be and saw him sitting on the ground mumbling to himself. So we shot the rat bag.
You see it was Yuri, and he made you think you had disappeared up your own butt. Hence the Who Tricks. As soon as he was dead every thing was back to normal. Now lets get back to base and see if Da Loin has got the pizzas yet!

And so ended the first mission. Not much glory, but we found the truth about the Who Tricks.
BTW, there were no pizzas, Da Loin said he waited but got peckish and ate them. All TEN boxes!!

Until the next time remember, "Trust no one" especially me.....

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